Entry: Hiatus Aug 3, 2006

Photo: "Where's My Mama?" taken by Kristy Parker (me)

Waiting is all I seem to do. Right now I'm on a two week hiatus from John, and its going to be tough not to talk to him for so long...and to trust that he won't stop caring about me in the mean time. But as they say, if you love something...set it free...if it comes back to you....well they either love you or they couldn't find anything better. Let's hope it turns out to be the previous statement. I just know that I can't pretend that things are the way they were before he started having doubts. He saw his ex-girlfriend in a bar a few weeks back and ever since then it feels like he's a different person. He told me not to worry when he wrote nice things about her in his journal...but how could I not worry? He's never written about me in there, yet he feels like its okay to to post that stuff about her? Hmm..something didn't feel right about that.

Then he told me he's not sure exactly how he feels about us and that's he's been thinking about his ex a lot...and he doesn't think its fair to me to pretend things are okay when they are not. I'm glad he told me, yet I don't understand why he can't just move on from her and put his energy into making things between us work. So today I told him it might be best if I give him a couple weeks to sort things out in his mind. I know I get overly emotional and make it difficult for serious thinking and contemplation to take place. So I think if I give him an idea what things are like without me, he can understand how much I mean to him. And if he decides he doesn't want to be with me, I will have to deal with that. But I just tired of not knowing...of forever feeling lonely and frustrated. I feel in my heart that I have a lot of love to give, but I want to make sure the person I give it to knows how to give it back too.


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