Jul 7, 2006
Not this shit again.
I'm beginning to really have doubts about a relationship I felt so sure of in my heart. This boy, says that he loves me...yet I feel like he's not giving 100% of himself to "us." I really don't think he's ready for me, and I'm not sure if he ever will be. It hurts me everyday to not know where I stand with him...whether today he'll talk about our future or avoid the subject completely whenever I bring it up. He says I shouldn't feel sad about his unsure attitude, but how can I not? There are enough things uncertain about my life...I don't want to add the balance of our relationship onto the uncertainly scale...cause I think it would tip over and then I'd really be emotionally fucked. I hate to say it, but if this doesn't work out I'm afraid I'm just going to be numb and give up on my idealistic love morals. Its not worth getting my heart crushed again and again and pushed back at me...unwanted, unloved. I'm tired of being good all the time, cause it never gets me anywhere but dumped. And alone in my bed, crying myself to sleep at night. I'm tired of aching and tossing in bed every night. I just want to sleep sound with the reassurance that the man I love returns my feelings with the same strength...and I don't think that's too much to ask for.
I also find it a bit odd that the boy who loves me stills writes about his ex in his livejournal, but has never once discussed me or what I mean to him. I have nothing against soul searching and writing about past relationships...but shouldn't the future and the present be included too? Maybe I'm just paranoid, maybe I'm still feeilng the burn of past relationship blues...whatever it is my soul is restless and angry at me. Angry at me for allowing myself to be vulnerable again when it senses that I'm being set up for the big fall. All I know is that I'm sick of feeling cast aside ....He needs to show he loves me or just leave me the fuck alone. Cause I'm worth being loved by a man who knows that I am right for him...that knows that even though he may not have everything in his future planned out, he knows that I'll be there by his side to help him.
If I can't have true love, I guess I'm just gonna have to take what I can get. And that really frightens me, but with the way my love life is steering I feel that may be my only option.
Currently listening to:
Mother Love Bone
By Mother Love Bone
[Kristy] struck a pose @ 02:32 am
Kwaya Na Kisser
Brianna's Live Journal
John's Thoughts and Stuff
Hips, Lips, and Tits: Its Bettie Page
Worth 1000 (Fun with Photoshop)
Hold Your Light
Current Album: Pussy Whipped by Bikini Kill *1993*
Currently Reading: Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins